SOUNDTRACK INAPPROPRIATE

Music is a powerful mood-setting tool.  The addition of a soundtrack can turn a boring activity into something fantastic.  I present to you: "Soundtrack Inappropriate"

AUGUST 23rd — Comix & Stories!

Come on down this SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! The annual Comix & Stories con at Heritage Hall on Main & 15th in Vancouver is back!
Last year it was at the Vancouver Art Gallery for the Krazy Show, but it's moved back home this year. So come on down!

I will be there with new stuffs! But not just me! Look and see below! w00t!

We gots some names, I tells ya. Incl. Internet Superstar Kate Beaton! All-around art-genius Brandon Graham! Trash cinema's hero, local legend and permanent fixture in the Vancouver art scene Robin Bougie! EA concept artist-turned comic-artist Gabriel Frizzera! Futurama comic artist and all-around great artist James Lloyd! The list goes on!!

Rock Always Wins

I just ate a 12-ounce hamburger.  With bacon.   Digesting it is proving to be quite taxing on my ability to write awesome stuff.  I tried, but it didn't work.  

So I drew you a picture! 

The Poor Person's Guide To Living Like a Rich Person

Are you poor?  Do you often find yourself to be rabidly jealous of people who are rich enough to do fun things?  Well, hold on to your hats because you are about to start living the high life with my fool-proof guide to having fun like a rich person - FOR FREE!!  

Rich-Person Activity:  Going to Horse Races

How you can do it too:

1. Find a few horses.  

2. Check to make sure that the owner of the horses is away doing rich-person things. 

3.  Make a sound like a grizzly bear. 

4.  Watch to see if your horse flees to the opposite side of the corral the fastest.  

Cost: $0 if you don't get caught or trampled. 

Rich-Person Activity: Golf

How you can do it too:

1. Go to a public park.  

2. Dig a few holes in the ground.  

3. Find a smallish round rock that will fit in the holes you've dug.  

4. Get a big stick.  

5. Hit the rock with the stick.  

6. Try to get the rock into one of the holes, minimizing the number of times you have to hit it with the stick.  

Cost: $0

Note: Rich people are careless with their infinitely replaceable things, so you can often find actual golf balls if you sneak onto a golf course after hours. 

Rich-Person Activity: Dinner and a Movie

How you can do it too:

1. Obtain food.  

2. Walk around in a fancy neighborhood until you find a house with a television that you can see from outside.  The larger the television, the less likely it is that you will be arrested for trespassing while trying to read subtitles (rich people like foreign films.  This is good because you won't be able to hear the TV anyway.) 

3. Find a comfortable place to settle in and enjoy your film.  Large trees, parked cars (if you are fortunate enough to have a car) and salvaged lawn chairs are all good options.  

4.  If you have to trespass to see the television clearly, cut eyeholes in a black bed sheet and drape it over yourself.  (note: keep bed sheet for use in future adventures). 

Cost:  $0 if you steal your food from a restaurant waist bin or coordinate your movie night with the schedule of your local soup kitchen.  

Rich-Person Activity: Sailing

How you can do it too:  

1. Find a large, wooden object at your local dump.  If you cannot find a large, wooden object at the dump, thrift stores often carry large, wooden objects and will sell them to you for only a few dollars if the object is hideous enough.  

2. Find a bed sheet.  

3. Put the large, wooden object in the water.  

4. Sit on large wooden object.  If you do not get wet, you are clear to proceed to step 5. 

5. Hold bed sheet above your head.  

6. Wait for wind.  

Cost:  $0 if you can find the necessary items at the dump.  $5-10 if you have to purchase your items at a thrift store.

Rich-Person Activity: Going on Vacation

How you can do it too:

1.  Find or purchase a very strong pair of reading glasses.

2.  Walk around with the glasses on your face.  

3.  Rediscover your formerly familiar surroundings!   The best part is that reading glasses come in a variety of different strengths, and each one will make your physical environment appear differently from the next.  You can even wear two pairs of glasses, one over the other, for an entirely new experience!  

4.  For an extra touch of authenticity, ask people to speak to you in a foreign accent.  If your dream vacation is in outer space, as people to make alien/spaceship sounds.

Cost: $0 if you can find/borrow reading glasses.  Often, you can take glasses right off the face of a sleeping vagrant.   

Rich-Person Activity: Rock Climbing

How you can do it too:

1. Find a large rock. 

2. Climb the rock.

3. Don't fall.

Cost: $0 if you don't fall

Rich-Person Activity: Going to the Mall

How you can do it too: 

1. Go to a mall. 

Cost: $0 if you take the bus and don't buy anything while you're there. 

Rich-Person Activity:  Hanging out by the pool

How you can do it too: 

1.  Dig a big hole in your yard (if you do not have a yard, dig a hole in the sand at the beach) 

2.  Dump out your rich neighbor's garbage and steal the bag.  You may need to do this several times to have enough bags.  

3.  Line your hole with the garbage bags you've stolen from your rich neighbors.  

4. Fill the hole with buckets of water or water from a hose.  If you do not have a bucket or a hose, steal another garbage bag and use it to transport your water.  If you are so poor that your water has been turned off, you can simply perform steps 1-3 and then wait for it to rain. 

5.  Hang out by your pool! 

Cost: $0 

Thing of the day: iPod. Rating: AWESOME

iPod, I cannot truly express my gratitude for your tireless efforts at keeping me entertained. When we go to the gym together, you patiently sit in front of me and play music for me while I work out.  You don’t seem to mind that I sweat on you, or that I sometimes fling you violently to the ground when my thumb inadvertently catches your headphones cord.   You just keep on playing music for me.  

Sometimes I get tired of the songs I have given you to play for me and I keep pushing the fast-forward button, but you never get upset with me for doing this.  You just keep cheerfully suggesting more songs: 

iPod: “How about this one?"  

Me: (skips song after hearing first two notes)

iPod: "No?  Okay, do you like this one?"

Me: (skips song because it has applause in the beginning and that means that it is a live song and won't really get going any time in the next 3 minutes) 

iPod: "Not today, huh?  Here, try this one, it is one of your favorites!"

Me: (remembers that the song used to be a favorite before I listened to it 118 times in a row and ruined it for myself.)

iPod: (starting to panic) "No again?  How about some Journey?"

Me:  (listens to 'Midnight Train' all the way through, impatiently waiting for the 'don't stop believing' part because that part is really the only reason I listen to the song.) 

iPod: "Okay, you like 'Midnight Train' do you want to hear it again?"

Me: (does not want to hear 'Midnight Train' again because I held down the rewind button and re-listened to the best part about 11 times in a row, and now it, too, has lost all meaning for me.) 

iPod: (confused) "Not in the mood for "Midnight Train' anymore?"

Me: (confirms the negatory by pushing fast-forward)

iPod:  "I know that you didn't want to hear 'Midnight Train' again a few seconds ago, but how about now?"

Me: (presses fast-forward button) 

iPod: "How about now?" 

Me: (FAST-FORWARD BUTTON)

iPod: "No really, how about NOW?"

Me: (&%$*&^%ING FAST-FORWARD AND I HOPE I NEVER HEAR IT AGAIN!!!!!)

iPod: "Okay, I’ll wait for you to skip over a few more songs and then try playing 'Midnight Train' again because I know how much you like it...”

Thank you for alway trying your hardest, iPod. 

I know I get frustrated with your misdirected and totally arbitrary enthusiasm for certain songs, but please don’t feel bad.  It is not your fault.  I should have given you more to work with.  

Also, don’t take it so hard when I forget to charge your battery.   Again, it is not your fault.  It is seriously heartbreaking when you make those little sputtering chirps as you are dying.  I can tell you are trying as hard as you can to keep playing my music even though your lifeblood is slowly draining away.  It’s okay.  I’ll plug you in when we get home.  

Thing Of The Day: Cords Rating: NOT AWESOME

Hello Cords,

This letter is addressed to all of you even though it is directed only at particular members of your alliance, namely: iPod headphones cord, iPod charger cord, venetian blinds cord and sweatpants drawstring.  

I am tiring of your shenanigans.  Just yesterday, I went looking for you, iPod headphones cord, because I had the urge to discreetly listen to music.  When I found you, you were lasciviously wrapped around iPod charger cord even though I had put you away neatly coiled around yourself.   I apologize if I did not make it clear that I expected you to stay that way.  I guess I didn't realize that you were retarded and completely unable to pick up on subtleties.  Allow me to spell it out for you: K-E-E-P  Y-O-U-R  C-O-I-L-S  T-O  Y-O-U-R-S-E-L-F.  

I know that you are wildly attracted to iPod charger cord, but Christ man, try to respect my feelings a little.   Contorting yourselves into every position in the Kama Sutra simultaneously makes it really hard to separate you when I need to use one of you.  It is also uncomfortable for the other things on my desk.  

Venetian blinds cord, your narcissism is alarming.  Your almost pathological autoeroticism is beginning to impact your work performance.  I called upon you today to open the blinds only to find that you were irreversibly tangled up in an orgy for one.  I spent the better part of the morning trying to straighten you out, but despite my best efforts, you are still all kinky.  I may be forced to use the scissors if I cannot get through to you.  It is really fucking sunny and I am losing my patience!

Sweatpants drawstring, just being in the privacy of the washing machine does not make it okay to rape the other clothing.  My underwear and socks do not appreciate being forced into a three-way with you.  I do not appreciate having to rescue my underwear and socks from said three-way.    And don't get all pouty and retreat into the waistband of my sweatpants - it won't change the fact that I am mad at you.  

A message to all of the cords in my household:  These four offenders have been found guilty of lewd acts that I know all of you are capable and willing to commit should the opportunity present itself (I am especially talking to you, Christmas lights).  Please take note of the repercussions inherent in these actions before you decide to act upon your impulses.  

Good day!

-Allie

British Parliament panel

A sample panel from my new comic I Come In Peace, coming out at the Vancouver Comic Con on August 23rd. Obviously I used photo reference. I'm rubbish at buildings, without any.